After finally making an NFL team this week, Dallas Cowboy Michael Sam held an impromptu press conference Thursday afternoon at AT&T Stadium where he CONFIRMED THE FEARS OF EVERY HOMOPHOBE IN THE NFL. Said Sam, “It’s time I came clean. You guys are absolutely right. I fantasize about every single player in the locker room. I don’t even slightly care about football. I want their tight man asses to rub up against me. I stare at EVERY penis in the room when we’re showering. I literally can’t stop drooling. It’s my hope that they all just let their inhibitions go so I can give every hot stud in that locker room a blow job one after the other. Any questions?”
Homophobic latent homosexuals everywhere were quick to react. New England Patriots homophobic safety Don Jones said on twitter – “I KNEW IT. The gays are all alike. This is the NFL. I do NOT want to have to worry about obsessively thinking about some man staring at my ass while he fondles his thick cock in his strong hand. IT HARD TO GET THAT DISGUSTING SHIT OUT OF YOUR MIND. Excuse, me I have to go drive my truck to clear my head. REPULSIVE.”
Homophobe televangelist Pat Robertson was quickly reached for comment and had this to say, “This is a national outrage. Just think of all those poor, sweaty, muscular, glistening men having to constantly check over their chiseled shoulders to see if disgusting, perverse Michael Sam is lurking and staring at them, stroking his juicy penis until he explodes. I pray this nation escapes divine judgement. Now excuse me, I have to go do, um, something I’m late for.”
Amid the furor, homphobic local area clergy tried to diffuse the situation. Daniel Pund, a Dallas area minister addressed a crowd of local protesters, “Ladies and gentleman, this is an abomination. What that young man said about blowing a whole locker room full of NFL players is very disturbing. However this young, so very young, man needs our help, not our hate. I for one would like to reach out on, I mean to, Michael Sam and offer him guidance, and comfort. All of my comfort, deeply comforting, comfort. So deep. Um, I’ll be back later”.