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Robert Griffin III won’t need surgery

Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

There was some rare injury related good news for Robert Griffin III earlier today. The oft-injured Griffin, who left Sunday’s game in Washington with an ankle injury, said that an MRI revealed he does not have a fracture and does not think he will need surgery. “Huge man”, said RGIII, “just huge. To know I can be back this season, back to show everybody what I can do.”

While that was certainly good news, it was short lived. Unfortunately, Robert Griffin III broke his leg while getting his ankle taped. Then most unfortunately while getting his broken leg set in plaster, both of his arms fell off. And in a most, most unfortunate incident, while having surgery to have his arms reattached, Griffin’s head exploded.

No time table for his return has yet been indicated.

–J

Ted Robinson suspended 2 weeks for inappropriate Ray Rice comments

Thursday, September 11th, 2014

The San Francisco 49ers suspended veteran broadcaster Ted Robinson on Wednesday night for the next two games following comments this week on a San Francisco radio station about the Ray Rice domestic violence case that were deemed insensitive.

The Pac-12 Networks also announced late Wednesday that it had suspended Robinson for the next two weeks and that he would undergo sensitivity training. Robinson, 57, spoke while co-hosting on KNBR radio Monday.

“The comments made by radio broadcaster Ted Robinson on Monday were offensive and in no way reflect the views of the San Francisco 49ers organization. We have made the decision to suspend him for the next two games. I informed Ted of our decision earlier today, and we will continue to address this matter with him internally. Our organization stands strongly against domestic violence and will not tolerate comments such as these,” said 49ers president Paraag Marathe.

The transcript of Robinson’s broadcast follows.

<begin transcript>

KNBR Radio Host: That’s something about Ray Rice, isn’t it Ted?

Ted Robinson: It really is. Nobody should ever hit a woman like that. Let me tell you what pisses me off though. How come we have to call Obama the first black president? He’s only half black. Look at his wife, she’s full on black and like 3 shades darker than him.

<35 seconds of the most awkward silence ever>

Ted Robinson: What?

<end transcript>

Following his suspension, the following statement was issued: “I want to unconditionally apologize for my comments the other day,” Robinson said. “As a professional communicator, I am responsible for my words. My choice of words was careless. I wholeheartedly apologize and I will refer to Obama as the first black president from now on. Also, I think my paternal grandmother was Jewish, so please call me Jew King of the Bay from now on. Assholes.”

Ted Robinson Archie Bunker

– J

FCC considering revisions to blackout rule

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

The rule enforcing local blackouts if NFL games don’t sell out in time will be up for an FCC vote at the end of the month that would end the nearly 40-year-old policy. In an op-ed in USA Today, Tom Wheeler, the chairman of the Federal Communication Commission, said the rule is dated and was created when barely 40 percent of games sold out. Wheeler said that isn’t a problem anymore, with all of Week 1′s games selling out and just two games blacked out all last season. Wheeler cites the league’s $10 billion in revenue last year as proof that it is popular enough to vote on revising the rule.

The vote is scheduled for Sept. 30. The rule revisions would change the blackout rules permanently, prohibiting any NFL game from being blacked out regardless of remaining stadium capacity, for every NFL team. Other than the Cleveland Browns. The proposed changes would mandate that each and every Cleveland Browns game going forward would be blacked out.

Senator John McCain and U.S. Sen. Richard Blumenthal in a joint statement voiced their support for the rule changes, “For more than a year, we have urged the FCC to take this important step, arguing that the blackout rule has outlived any usefulness, and that it would be in the public’s interest to scrap it. It’s time to end blackouts. For every team other than the Cleveland Browns.”

McCain also has been pressing the NFL and its players union to start testing for human growth hormone, or HGH. Again, with an exemption for anyone who plays for the Cleveland Browns.

Browns blackout

– J

Suckleague 2014 – It’s five against one

Tuesday, September 9th, 2014

As sure as a Mayan deity will allow the sun to rise another day provided he is satiated with the sacrifice of a still beating human heart ripped from an unwilling victim, another wholesome season of Suckleague reverse fantasy football is upon us! Sorry, that was disgusting. But so is this.

For the first year ever, I am without adversary. That’s right, this season I’m going adversaryless(?). Sans adversary. No hablo Adversariarino. 2014 Suckleague shall be the purest, most self-gratifying season of reverse fantasy football ever.

Masturbation Face

Yes, for duration of the 2014 Suckleague reverse fantasy football season – I’m playing with myself.

So how did my first solo draft turn out? Horribly (wonderfully). My week 1 starting quarterback – Brain Hoyer. My week 1 starting defense – Indianapolis trying to stop Denver. I give you team myself 2014…. The Skin Flute Players.

Masturbation Face

My thoughts exactly man just harming himself over and over again in the name of self-love. Now let me say this. I’m expecting HUGE things from myself this year. I mean it’s just me. I’ve got the whole damn league to choose from. If I don’t score abysmally into the negative every week, I’ve failed. So that’s my goal this season. Every week into the negative. No opponent, no excuses. How did my first week go?

Masturbation Face

FAIL. The mighty Indy defense did admirably (woefully), posting -6.00 for their outing against Peyton Manning and the Broncos. However the mighty Brian “the cannonade of potentiality” Hoyer turned out to be somewhat mighty after all, yielding a stupid 12.20. Net result, 6.20 into the black. That is obviously not acceptable and you have my pledge to hit this thing harder and deeper than I’ve ever hit it before until my scores are constantly in the negative.

Masturbation Face

Exactly. Just like that.

– J

Follow along: Suckleague 2014 League

Jets asking that teams don’t throw against them

Friday, September 5th, 2014

The Jets are getting woefully thin at cornerback. Since cutting Dimitri Patterson and losing rookie Dexter McDougle to a torn ACL, the Jets now face their latest setback as Dee Milner will be out with a high ankle sprain. Darrin Walls and converted safety Antonio Allen are now their starting cornerbacks for Sunday’s matchup.

When asked how he’s going to handle the lack of corner talent and depth, head coach Rex Ryan was candid, “We’re asking any teams we play to just run the ball. I mean come on, passing is for pussies anyway. Just run on every play, you bunch of queens.”

Also, the team has announced valuable incentives for not throwing. Ryan continued, “If your run to pass play ratio exceeds 4/1, the opposing coach will get a coupon that’s good for a free entree at Delmonico’s. Now that’s provided you buy one of equal or lesser value, but that’s a really good deal still. If your run to pass ratio exceeds 5/1, we’re going to give you a 10 pack of free car wash coupons at any participating Eager Beaver car wash. And if you don’t pass at all during the whole game, you’ll get cold hard cash. A $75 Visa gift card will be issued within 90 days of the game. Now you can use that anywhere they take Visa and it even works for gas. So we’re pretty confident they’ll be lots of takers for these promotions. Go Jets.”

Rex Ryan Deals

– J

Michael Sam comes clean

Thursday, September 4th, 2014

After finally making an NFL team this week, Dallas Cowboy Michael Sam held an impromptu press conference Thursday afternoon at AT&T Stadium where he CONFIRMED THE FEARS OF EVERY HOMOPHOBE IN THE NFL. Said Sam, “It’s time I came clean. You guys are absolutely right. I fantasize about every single player in the locker room. I don’t even slightly care about football. I want their tight man asses to rub up against me. I stare at EVERY penis in the room when we’re showering. I literally can’t stop drooling. It’s my hope that they all just let their inhibitions go so I can give every hot stud in that locker room a blow job one after the other. Any questions?”

Homophobic latent homosexuals everywhere were quick to react. New England Patriots homophobic safety Don Jones said on twitter – “I KNEW IT. The gays are all alike. This is the NFL. I do NOT want to have to worry about obsessively thinking about some man staring at my ass while he fondles his thick cock in his strong hand. IT HARD TO GET THAT DISGUSTING SHIT OUT OF YOUR MIND. Excuse, me I have to go drive my truck to clear my head. REPULSIVE.”

Homophobe televangelist Pat Robertson was quickly reached for comment and had this to say, “This is a national outrage. Just think of all those poor, sweaty, muscular, glistening men having to constantly check over their chiseled shoulders to see if disgusting, perverse Michael Sam is lurking and staring at them, stroking his juicy penis until he explodes. I pray this nation escapes divine judgement. Now excuse me, I have to go do, um, something I’m late for.”

Amid the furor, homphobic local area clergy tried to diffuse the situation. Daniel Pund, a Dallas area minister addressed a crowd of local protesters, “Ladies and gentleman, this is an abomination. What that young man said about blowing a whole locker room full of NFL players is very disturbing. However this young, so very young, man needs our help, not our hate. I for one would like to reach out on, I mean to, Michael Sam and offer him guidance, and comfort. All of my comfort, deeply comforting, comfort. So deep. Um, I’ll be back later”.

MichaelSam

–J

Boston area hospitals prepping for Gronkowski’s week 1 return

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014

After an injury riddled 2013 season, the New England Patriots appear to be going into the 2014 season with a healthy Rob Gronkowski. Gronkowski said Monday that he’s been given the green light to play in the season opener against the Dolphins.

Local area hospitals were prepping for a busy weekend. “We’re super excited, we’re super pumped” said area orthopedist Milton Yang. “You never know with Gronk. Will he break an arm? Will he fracture his tibia? Will his infection develop an infection? Will his head simply fall off? This is a challenging time of year for us. But we’re mentally and physically ready for his admission this weekend.”

Gronkowski indicated that he won’t be playing every snap, wanting to get his “feet wet” against Miami then taking more snaps as the weeks progress, provided he doesn’t shatter his clavicle on the first play of the game. “Look as long as my skeletal structure doesn’t unexpectedly disintegrate on the first drive, I’m looking to have a big year. In fact, I’m calling it – I’ll be setting yardage and scoring records this year. Provided my blood doesn’t mysteriously change into some kind of foam polymer or pancake batter. Which I think is fairly unlikely. This is the year of the Gronk.”

He did suffer a mild ankle sprain during the interview, but didn’t think it would be a factor.

Rob Gronkowski is Flimsy

–J

Tom Brady – “When I suck, I’ll retire”

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014

In response to the Patriots abruptly trading guard Logan Mankins to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers last week, Tom Brady reaffirmed his commitment to the team during his weekly appearance on WEEI in Boston.

“There’s nowhere I’d rather play, I know that,” Brady said, via CSNNE.com. “I love playing for this team and I love representing this team. Hopefully I can do that for as long as I can. When I suck, I’ll retire.”

As such, the New England Patriots announced earlier today that Tom Brady will be retiring effective immediately.

Tom Brady Sulking

Robert Griffin III gets a statue at Baylor

Monday, September 1st, 2014

Robert Griffin III returned to Waco this weekend to see himself immortalized at the age of 24. Griffin made the trip to Baylor where a new football stadium has opened that features a statue of Griffin outside.

Upon learning the news that a statue of himself was being erected, Griffin had nothing but positive things to say. “It’s amazing. You don’t dream about that kind of stuff,” Griffin told the Waco Tribune. “There’s a Statue of Liberty and all those other statues, but you don’t ever dream of having a statue honored in your name….. I don’t look at it as anyone putting me on a pedestal. I look at it as I know where my blessings come from, and they’re using me in a way to help other people. Not just to say, ‘he’s a great football player.’ I hope they say, ‘he’s a great man’ as well.”

Unfortunately for Griffin, Baylor University has one of the least respected sculpture departments of any Division 1 school. Griffin’s tone turned a bit sour after finally getting a glimpse of the new statue:

UglyRobertGriffin3

“Uh, wow… Well, I guess it’s still an honor. Man. This is just flat out fucked up right here. I guess that one half of it kind of looks like me. I mean if I didn’t have hair. Shit. I’m speechless.”

Baylor President Ken Starr gushed over Griffin’s legacy at Baylor, “Robert’s image is bound to be the landmark of our great city. This statue will become synonymous with Waco.”

Griffin III’s mother, with a look on her face that could only be described as abject horror, added “It’s probably better than being known for the Branch Davidians. Probably. ”

– J

Texans cut 72 players, get down to 3

Friday, August 29th, 2014

The Houston Texans are the latest team to get under the 75 man roster limit. However, they are the only team at the moment to have shattered the roster limit, reducing their active roster to 3 players. When reached for comment, head coach Bill O’ Brian explained, “We set out to start really strong this year, so we made a list of every player we felt couldn’t cut it at the pro level. After releasing them, we’re down to 3. No question, those 3 will have to step it up.”

Among the players cut were Brooks Reed, Tom Savage, Jawanza Starling, Dwane Brown, Andre Brown, Randy Bullock, D.J. Swearin.., oh you get the idea, essentially anyone who isn’t named Brain Cushing or JJ Watt.

– J